A month back, I went to lunch at a local sandwich chain. A Jimmie/Pot/Qdoba/Chiptle- type of joint. After getting my food and going to the register I did a double take to the area deep behind the register and saw a familiar face.
"Neely?!"
He looked over and I knew from his curly hair and the dent above his left eye it was him. There a bunch of "Holy shit, is that you?!"-s we hugged, and while people looked at us funny, I attempted to pay for my lunch. He stopped me and bought it for me. I invited him to join me. He did and we sat there talking about him, his brother, what he's been up to for the past 10 years, and how the hell he's managing a chain in DC.
See, Neely was a prefect at my high school, think of it as an RA, but in high school. He was smart, charming, and kind. His brother was just like him, but shorter and with darker hair. Junior year, he and I were hall-mates and lived across the hall from each other. during study hall we'd do our pre-calc homework with him leading the show and we got to be good friends while he helped me grasp a lot of the ideas and processes. We'd talk about the random stuff that 16 year-olds do to cement friendships. He and I wound up being great friends because we were also on our schools wrestling team. Where he would help me with pre-calc, I would help him learn how to beat someone who may have been wrestling since they were 5.
About 2 weeks before the wrestling season ended, he was home for the weekend and his family got in a *horrible* car crash. One parent died, one parent had all of their ribs crushed, his brothers' legs were broken, his back was broken, and his skull was cracked and dented. The whole team went to see him and his brother at the hospital. He was there for 3 months. When I saw him, he was doped up and reclining in a torso brace with screws in his head and shoulders to keep everything stabilized. I don't think I ever saw anyone look as fragile in my life. He missed the rest of the school year. Though he never got to wrestle again, after he got on with his PT and drugs to control his headaches, he made it back to school the next year and graduated on time. Then he went on to graduate from one of the best colleges in Pennsylvania.
When I asked him how he dealt with everything he told me how, with the injuries, it got better over time. That every few months or years something else would come back or get better. It was like layers of fog lifting. When he least expected it, the hard work would pay off and something else would click and no longer be an issue. He just kept up with his therapies. When he really got bummed, his wife would hold his hand or he'd look at their kid and that would help motivate him. It was always an effort, but with time it would pay off. He also told me that with the pain of losing someone precious, it doesn't go away. Instead, it comes back with the new memories and makes it a different experience. They mix together and make things better, more real, more human. A soup of feelings. We hugged when I had to go back to work and luckily his employees made it through seamlessly.
2. How this affected me:
Real talk? OK, real talk. My most recent job was unfortunate, because it seemed promising from the person I replaced. Things started to change as soon as I was inside. The short and sweet is: it turned into a situation I didn't imagine it would be and after a shit-show that someone else fucked up and I repaired, I was fired 6 months in, the day before my birthday. It wasn't a total loss - I made some great professional relationships. Those will be good longer than a lot that I've made. I thought of it in one of my favorite terms: sports. When a baseball team does poorly, they can't fire the 25 guys who fucked up the team from the start of the season. It's easier to get rid of the manager.
Now I'm playing for a better team, working for someone who is encouraging and great to develop ideas with, doing what I do well and with the responsibilities I want,.
The thing that bothered me in a big way was my anxiety. I felt behind my peers. I know it's not a competition and I know I can't measure myself against anyone but myself, but it did feel like I wasn't doing enough of the right things. I wasn't envious of what anyone had. I was just envious that they had a plan. I'm glad for the people I know, but man did I want my own plan. It took a while to put it together, but I'm less anxious because I have a plan.
My life since college has had two paths; professional and personal. Some of the things in each area have been outstanding (the Nonprofits I've worked for, my loopy family, my classes, my plans, and friends both near and far) and some have been horrendous (some of my relationships with specific family members, my last romantic relationship, and a recent roommate).
Two years ago, I was in a relationship that I've talked and typed the fuck out of so much that right now I'm rolling my eyes so far back that I can see gray matter. At a certain point, I got anxiety attacks because the future I saw was a depressed, 50 year-old me cleaning the gutters on a suburban home wondering how the hell I got here. Hearing in-laws nag at me for shit I can't control and day-dreaming about hanging myself from the chimney with 50 feet of garden hose.
I know it's morbid, but it was a big part of my life that was getting bigger. Then it was removed and it became a void. You would think it was a relief, but something bad can feel better than nothing at all. That nothing was a void. A vacuum in my life that needed to be filled. It was filled with the objects and situations I used to keep myself from feeling afraid: substances, meaningless relationships, and the anxiety that everything would get worse. For a long while it did. I addressed the problems by talking about them, with people who volunteered or were paid to listen. I'd try to pay them back, but my name's Julien - not Earl
It became overwhelming when family would get sick.Very close family getting very sick. It's hard to think that these people who mean a great deal to me aren't immortal. They're fleshy, bloody, sickly, and could just drop dead at any moment. So far no one has, but it's going to happen and I'll deal with it as it happens. It's that part of life that makes me realize than life can be sad when it goes the right way and a nightmare when it goes awry. I think of that happiness proverb:
A rich man asks a Zen master to write something about his family's prosperity for years to come. Something they could cherish . On a large piece of paper, the master writes, "Father dies, son dies, grandson dies."
The rich man becomes angry when he sees the master's work. "Why'd you give me something depressing like this?"
"If your son should die before you, this would bring unbearable grief to your family. If your grandson should die before your son, this also would bring great sorrow. If your family, generation after generation, disappears in the order I have described, it will be the natural course of life. This is true happiness and prosperity."3. I'd put forth a couple of other things I'm adding to my my observation list:
- Experience and process (all) those feelings, even anger and disappointment
- Try to be kind, even if its hard to be happy
- Alcohol will numb the pain, but slow the recovery
- When you think everything is over, it's actually just getting started
- You can't get through life with hate
- When dogs come up to you to be scratched, *scratch and pet them,* because that shit is the best.
- Always work toward the miracle
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