Pre-historic Impulses

Through my parents I learned that we aren't the sum of the remnants from the onslaught of damage after years. What we're made of is how we take those pieces and reform them and what we reform them into, knowing full-well that they'll be destroyed again. This invention and reinvention is the closest we can come to knowing God, creating and recreating ourselves in the image that we desire.

There's a lesson from all of my experiences that's in between my ears. It's simply: humor is innate. The ability to see irony and find laughter from fault is one of the greatest gifts we have as people. Try mixing existential awareness with a short attention span and you can get humanity's powerful ability to forget what needs to be forgotten in order to move forward. Hopefully, I've learned enough to make this stick this time.

Here's a stupid joke I've heard about 10 times:

On Jason's 40th birthday, he has a birthday cake with candles. He blows them out and makes a wish. Suddenly, the room goes bright, the ceiling splits open, angels voices soar, and in enters God almighty. His voice of booms, "Jason, do not fear, you will have a long and prosperous life." 

Well this is the greatest gift Jason's ever going to get and he feels inspired. He starts by quitting smoking and drinking, eating fewer fats, starts exercising and loses 30 pounds, gets a new haircut, quits his boring job and pursues his dream of being an artist. He works on his tan, and knows that with the gift of plenty of time and the new path, he can celebrate by beginning his dream. On the way to the art store, Jason crosses the street and halfway across is hit by a bus and killed. 

He goes to heaven and is *furious.* he goes up to God and says, "what happened? You told me I was gonna have a long and prosperous life." God takes a long second look and says, "Oh... sorry Jason, I didn't recognize you."

The benefit of having a successful life requires the same things as hearing the same joke over and over again: patience and a well-practiced smile. But I'm hit with a flash that the joke is right. Most of my life, I've been a bit of Jason. But knowing this, I wonder what's the engine that's been driving me all of my life. I know that one theory is that a man is driven by what he has lost. It's like the"Last" button on the remote control, New Years resolutions, and why it's so difficult to make changes in your life.

When something big ends, like a relationship, a job, a bad habit, or a way of life, you're deprogramming yourself into not fearing the undeniable force of what you've lost. Remembering the events, good and bad, can be like bordering on an obsession. One that can take over your life so much so that one can mistake the desire of regaining what was lost with love of the thing itself.

I'm done with smoking. Now that I've settled into this place of being done, I'm done for good. I can promise myself I won't sneak off into the darkness or give myself the excuse that it's so difficult and I need a crutch or that I'm so bored that I need something to occupy time or that I like it. I'm tired of being tired: dragged down by myself because... I wanted to punish myself for some reason. I feel like my teen years were me being invincible, my 20s were me trying to test whether I could actually die, and my 30s are seeing how much I can live.

I can see this being on my mind for *years.* Years. I'm disappointed and relieved, that it took this long and that I finally toughed up and did it. It's a little bit of insanity, but it's the right kind for me. I'll treasure the impulse that brought me here.

 8 days down and about 60 years to go, give or take a decade.