A Life in the Day of Julien Williams

I'm an only child raised by a working, single mother, so a lot of stuff was never explained to me because no one was around to do it. A lot of the things in my life I figured out on my own after everyone else or from grandparents, coaches, peers, and books. This is more or less the stuff I've come up with to make life easier for me.

- Buy multiples of cheap stuff around the house you need: chapstick, nail clippers, toothpaste, soap, etc. This really helps if you've got a Costco membership. I never worry for simple stuff

- Figure out a professional look. Einstein had multiples of the same coat, tie, and slacks that he wore every day.

- Keep a bible in the glove compartment above your insurance/registration. When you get pulled over, the cops'll think this guy can't possibly be drunk/smuggling drugs from Florida/speeding

- Buy a flask. It saves you money and makes you friends.

- Don't play the lottery. It's a voluntary tax on the poor. You have better odds of sleeping with a supermodel, getting struck by lightning, and drowning AT THE SAME TIME.

- Never give a guy a hallmark card. It's going in the trash after a waiting period. Mine is 2 months.

- Never give a girl a lady that's too useful, unless it's a Dyson, cos then it's a fucking Dyson. Also, no car stuff unless it's something that wasn't there before (like a new stereo or a new car altogether)

- Grow thick skin. We don't live in a nerf-covered world

- Experience something spiritually bigger than you every once in a while. I sneak off to mass every few months and man does it feel nice to visit that old friend sometimes.

- I used to say "be polite, not nice." Honestly, be both. The world is better for it.

- Never be afraid to tell someone to check their attitude their attitude: unless it's your boss or someone handling your food.

- If you've got fears, confront them. I've had fear as long as I can remember. I stopped running from them after a conversation with my grandfather

- Get into gardening/ horticulture. Nothing beats having a Roma Tomato plant, or fresh basil, or fresh oregano. This doesn't mean you should grow weed in your backyard. You're not in high school anymore

- Get into good beer. I also suggest good wine and good liquor. Put good things in your body that you want in your body

- Learn about cars. I'm not saying you should be able to perform a leakdown test or rebuild a gearbox. It'd be useful, but really unnecessary. Just learn how to do the oil, brakes, tire-checks, wipers, etc. The simple stuff really isn't hard, plus you feel like you've accomplished stuff

- Learn to cook. You NEED to eat. So figure out some things you can make and make them well. When people say they just can't cook, all I hear is, "I don't know how to wipe my ass or care for myself as a person."

- Learn to clean. Things have a smell. Dirty things have a horrible smell.

- Have a good "out." You know those conversations you get into that you don't want to be in? Usually it doesn't involve you, but the topic is pregnancy or marriage or abortion or religion. Set up an alarm to ring, go to the bathroom, start smoking, get another drink, or scare them off by stretching your groin.

- Don't kiss with morning breath. NOT EVERYONE KNOWS THIS

- The best thing in the world is being up and getting your routine started at 6 AM. When everyone else is rolling out of bed at noon you've already exercised, watered your garden, read the paper, paid your bills, and made breakfast after infusing some vodka.

- Asking for an apology is pointless. No one is ever sorry about what they said: they're sorry they got caught, or they're sorry you got offended, or they're sorry that you're gonna hold it over their head

- Sex doesn't equal love. But I've heard it's good

- Be careful around pornography, because it can ruin intimacy. Also, what if you find out you're really into something that you wish you weren't?

- Don't claim to not watch TV. I know you want to seem cultured and sophisticated, like you're best friends with David Sedaris, but in this decade some of the greatest storytelling is on TV. 

- Read. Even if it's spy or romance novels, it gives you a vocabulary. It let's your brain build something, which we rarely get to do nowadays

- Don't follow too close to a girl late at night if you're on a not-well-lit street. Just stop, tie your shoes, check your e-mail, smoke a cigarette. Give a 100 foot buffer before you move again.

- Guys, appreciate that you can pee anywhere. Ladies, you can too, the mechanics are just more difficult

- success means showing up early and often. Busting your ass and making everything easier for your boss. At a certain point, every career is janitorial.

- Be so good that you can't be denied. A lot of times in my life I've been neck and neck with someone else and had to prove that I'm the best. Figure out how to do that in every situation and you'll be undeniable. Granted, sports are much easier.

- Drink alcohol moderately, don't get too into cake, don't be too vigilant about vegetarianism, take care of your body, don't persecute a minority group. Hitler didn't follow these steps and look how he turned out.

- Don't get married young. My parents married when they were in their early 20s and divorced when they were in their mid 20s. They spent the next 18 years barely able to exist in the same area together. It's sad to be embarrassed to have been married to someone. Note: If you come from a stable home with no abuse, disregard all of this.

- You'll know you're an asshole when people repeat your name twice. Trust me, I know. I don't hear a lot of "Jules... oh he's just Jules." I do hear that about other people though

- A lot of relationships have expiration dates: 1 night, a weekend, 3 months, 3 years, when the kids go to college, death. Be aware and move forward

- Be patient. When I see my cousin with her daughter, teaching her to count to 10, I hear the little girl go, "one two, eleven, cereal, Dora, Gloop Glop!" She doesn't freak out, she just says, 'good job! Ok, we're gonna do it again: oooone, twoooo, threeee..." and smiles. 

- Lists are stupid, but I'm just Jules being Jules