As I get older I've accepted that I'm going to have scars. It also makes it glaring that it's important to not harden my heart. It's easy because my natural impulse is to guard myself. I can get callouses from building that wall to protect myself. That keeps the pain out, but it also keeps the joy out. I have to be careful to use as few bricks as possible and start taking some down.
I've been on a road of self-examination for a while and its been documented here. It's been about how to best move forward in this life. I've done a pretty good job I think. I was flailing for a while, but I feel like I'm not as disheveled as I was last year. This isn't to say that I'm on top of my game, but I've definitely made strides. I made this analogy last night, hanging out with a friend: I'm kind of a used car lot. I need to get the best vehicles on my lot. You know why? When you don't have the best cars, your're not letting people know how great your business is and no one's buying from your lot.
The last time I felt like I had my full confidence was the fall of 2009. It was Thanksgiving and I was at the 3rd of 3 friendsgivings. I was at my friend Colleen's place and I was having a blast. I made a panade, which is a delicious leftover dish. I was at a great place in my life. My job was taking off. I created a new focus group that got record levels of participation from children's hospitals, I got a promotion and a bonus, and I had great friends and roommates around.
That friendsgiving I remember, and this might just be rose-colored glassses, being a raconteur. If James McNeil Whistler were reincarnated, at that moment I was him:
"If other people are going to talk, conversation becomes impossible."
Then I got a text and, well, the next 3 years happened. I came out of it dented like a can you wouldn't give to a homeless person and I tried to force myself to be "Normal and happy and A-OK.". One thing I missed and lost was companionship. It's very bizarre how I can act alone versus with someone. I forgot how to be great alone, and I was great at it because before this all happened I was alone, but never lonely. I kept trying to replace that person with a someone else. The thing is, I knew I kept doing it too and tried to stop.
I signed up for online dating websites and went out on dates and had drinks and makeouts and that was fine. I didn't make any real progress because I distracted myself in this way where I assumed putting a band-aid on a bullet wound would make everything fine. Luckily I didn't make any promises I couldn't keep. No hearts were broken, I just wasn't able to progress. I wasn't ready. I'm probably still not ready. But I did it, then I stopped. I just needed a break. Then something else happened and it got me up in my head and anxious, which is rarely good, because I kept stumbling over myself when I met someone... (This is the descriptor I'm sticking with) awesome.
The thing is, I went through some traumatic shit, so why not give myself time to heal? Sometimes it's necessary to be selfish to help yourself get back to normal. I came to realize a lot of this relatively recently through conversations with friends and family. I'm also rebuilding friendships, which I wrote about earlier. That's so very important, because when I sit around having burgers with a friend at a crappy Irish bar, it's better than I expect because it's so simple. Why wasn't I focused on that?
So, sure, I'll go on dates and have makeouts, but it's really just good fun. I'll drink obscene amounts of bourbon at divey bars with friends, which is *really* good fun. I'll treat myself to a massage every few weeks to loosen up my muscles. I'll read one-handed with a glass of wine. I'll take trips to see people I otherwise avoided because of my former situation. Basically, like Wesley Snipes in Passenger 57, always bet on black
;)
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