Through late January I was trapped by some of my choices. I sat at a desk in a nondescript, 6-story office building running models over and over and over and over again. I was working at a job that was uninteresting unless I wanted Jesus to come and flip over my laptop. The money-lending business is and was a motivation suck. I was sending out resumes sporadically, but not as much as I could have. I knew I needed to get out of the place because the only thing I could laud it for was being physically close to my apartment. That's not a reason to stay with a job. But let me go back further to explain what happened that Monday.
You see, months before, I went through a breakup. I know this is well-trodden territory, but let me explain. See, we tried to be friends. And I mean - Actual.Friends. - It's difficult to completely separate from someone you've known forever. Who you thought, "This was my best friend, why can't I have this person in my life?" Once a month we'd have dinner and catch up and I went home thinking, "everything could be OK." We didn't talk about relationships, our former or any of our current ones. We both agreed it would be easier. We also agreed that we wouldn't date each others friends.
It was easier for me than for her. See, I'm great at being alone. I don't want to invest myself in someone unless I think they're actually worth that time. I'm an only child of divorced parents whose mother was an attractive lady pursued by a lot of guys. *Of course* I'm used to people coming into my world, trying to charm me, and then leaving. I've smelled that bullshit since I was in grade school. I learned from the best bullshit detector, my mother.
So, Sunday morning, I figured it out - well I was mostly sure of it. I was told one thing by one friend and texted another thing by another friend. I was 50% sure I was right. So I bluffed her and asked and, well, sometimes it's not great to be right. I wasn't shocked, just disappointed. Someone who I made the effort to keep in my life kicked me in the head twice. Shame on me. The friendship died that morning when I told her, in all honesty, "a friend wouldn't do that, but be happy. Just don't date anyone else I think of as a friend. I don't want to have to worry about you like a cancer. Let's not speak again." That Monday morning was my 6th month review.
Erica asked me to come to her office and we talked for 30 minutes. She pointed out where I was really doing a great job and where she wanted to see me expand my efforts, but she wanted to know if I was, "committed to the job - did I *really* want to be there?" I didn't. I told her, "No. I think I should leave." She looked at me like I was confused. I wasn't. I did *not* want to be there. I didn't want to lie and pretend that it was my dream job. I didn't want to come in every day and feel like I would never do anything besides take up space and have the same average job for the next 40 years. I filled out an exit questionaire, grabbed my green tea, gave my candy to the nice graphic artist lady, and handed back my corporate card and FOB. I walked out into the cold air at 1 PM, confused because I wasn't sure if I actually did what I just thought I did.
I called my mother to get some perspective and told her, "so, I think I just did something good... and kinda bad..."
She asked in her hesitant-but-supportive tone if I started back with the ex again. I told her "nononono, I ended all of that this morning and quit my job this afternoon."
"Geez, really? You really didn't want to mess around, huh?"
"No, I couldn't stand it. I *hated* bullshitting through it"
She laughed, "I know the feeling. Look son, you bet on yourself and you'll win. Go get a drink, get some food, and call me back later when you have a nice little buzz. I have a conference call. Love you, byebye"
I went to Ted's Montana Grill, had a cold Yuengling and a cheeseburger. I sat there thinking of how relieved I was. You see, I took that job just to take it. Because I thought doing something was better than nothing at all. And that's no way to live a life. Hell, I'm pickier about restaurants. I thought I could be somewhere I loathed and be friends with someone I couldn't trust, but what kind of life is that?
I walked home and sat down on my couch, pet my roommates cat, and smiled. I did it. I started over.
Most people don't lead lives, they accept them. I decided to take the reins. I didn't want to be the insecure boy who avoided his fears by obsessing over lost causes until they no longer had meaning. Good looks and phony confidence can make you feel better about yourself for a minute or two, but when the feeling fades you have to learn another magic trick. Being honest with myself is the greatest gift I've given myself. I'm still learning how to be bold again. Luckily it's not a trick, it's a part of me healing.
No comments:
Post a Comment