There's a lot of poets and people who are poetic. They know what it's like to show vulnerability and the power within it. However, in American life, to show vulnerability shows weakness. We see power in aggression and dominance. It's the American way. Everything we're taught shows us that vulnerability is weak, it's deemed the opposite of masculine, it's undesirable. But when you realize that vulnerability is power, you realize how much it can make you stronger to expose yourself, flaws and all, to the world that you take on. I really don't know the answers, I'm just figuring this out. I'm young. I'm learning. I'm trying.
I'm trying to be clear by arriving where I arrive, while encountering what I encounter, and succeeding in the smaller goals I've set in search of the bigger ones. This whole thing has been a reality show of sorts. I've been chronicling my experiences, producing drops of sweat on the writing from the hard work generated in the making of me. Maybe I won't ever have 100% clarity, but I've been able to live in the worlds I've created in these moments. Worlds of joy and frustration and disappointment and love. Some of it that I've brought about has made jagged experiences, full of myself. But the friction I encounter along the way, much like the friction a precious stone encounters, helps to polish it into a gem.
I asked myself, months back, if I was gonna perpetuate the bullshit or consciously step out of that box I was in. I also asked "what is that box?" That box defines what it means to be male, what it means to be black, what it means to be alive, what it means to be an American.
Some of it was as simple as I had to stop reading consumer magazines, because I would see something shiny and new and think, "I want that! And I want that! And that! And those!" And I would want the results without the hard work that goes into it. See, I'm coming from the belly of the beast in that box. I'm not always right, but i know where I'm coming from and I know I'm not here to compromise.
You see, growing up, I was an outsider on the inside. My childhood was unique to my environment. I was a latch-key kid, being raised by a single mom, and my grandparents. Mom worked days and went to school at nights. Grandpa taught during days and hob-nobbed with the academics at William and Mary at night. Grandma would hold the house down, teaching me to be a decent boy. She gave me books on life, on history, on The Black Experience.
So, while I had a full home, I didn't have a standard home. My friends and I were close, but other kids looked at me like a puzzle. When I'd speak, they'd ask, "Man, why you sound so white?
I'd respond," Well, you've been misinformed, thinking that to sound educated means sounding white. You've been indoctrinated to think that blackness sounds a certain way or looks a certain way or exists a certain way. Have you read about your history? Here man, check out the Autobiography of Malcolm X"
Then I would get, "Man, why you sound so white, but talk all this black stuff?"
I would roll my eyes and say, "Man, I sound like me. If you want to put your thought of who I should be on me, that's your problem. It's just not me."
I would hang out with my friends, playing board games and video games at their house and they'd get a call, "Yeah man, I'm hanging with Julien."
I always knew on the other end they'd say, "...you talking about Black Julien?"
John or Ian would roll their eyes and we'd laugh, "Yeah, we're playing games. Let's play some football in about 30 minutes. We can't stay long, dinner's gonna be up at 7.
I would sit down with my grandfather, who would teach me about Blackness in America, about Haitian history, about how I would be perceived as a child of a broken marriage, and as a Black man in America when I was fully grown. He told me to work so hard that no one can tell you "no." He told me how, as a Haitian, I'm naturally an indomitable person. That island of slaves? They kicked out the Spanish, the French, and the Americans. When told they would have to pay for their freedom by the French, they paid the 90 million gold Francs off in full, from 1825 until 1947.
I learned about being a man, about being strong, about being determined from a lot of people. However, I was always taught to look within myself. It's this ability which has given me the power to become better as I've gotten older. I was stagnant when I deferred to another. I was still me, but I l wasn't growing. I was me, treading water, and hoping to change those around me. That can't be done. It's a bullshit pursuit and I'm the captain of my own ship. Being excellent while doing the right thing is the best you can do
Learning the right thing to do for me has been an important thing for me to rediscover. Never losing my morality in the pursuit of this greater journey has been important - never forgetting right and wrong. I've known what the right thing to do is since I was a boy. I know that the wrong thing always makes me feel horrible and I should do the opposite. This showed me the strength of finding the power with my choices.I have to be decisive and fair because the world is neither of those things. Mainly, because I was taught that the world is indifferent at best and can be downright mean at worst.
It's not looking for validation from others, but from myself. Well, myself and the parking attendant at the Trader Joes in Old Town. It's not an immediate thing, but a long-term process. Think about it this way: Bob Marley didn't blow up until his 9th album. If I don't doubt myself I'll illuminate my path and never be lost.
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