I was in love. I had a feeling about a lady that was just unnerving. When I met her, I was like, "holy shit, I want this person in my life." Like, I thought that when I met her I just wanted to be the guy that was there whenever she needed anything. Like, if she would've called me to tell me the guy she hooked up with left after they hooked up, I'd be over with Chinese food asking, "oh wait, he came in your eye? Do you like egg rolls? Here, use this moist towel to clean up. How else can I help?"
It didn't work. We tried and failed, but that's just how it goes. I'm glad I had that experience in my life. When it ended, there were two awkward experiences that kept occurring, 1) people asking me to say "hey" to her, which I just got tired of explaining and just said, "yeah, gotcha buddy. I'll let her know!", and 2) people telling me how much they thought she just wasn't right for me (and sometimes worse). I'd smile and nod and tell them "thanks." No one knows the good or bad times in a relationship. Hell, there are times I look at photos and see us smiling, holding each other, and think, "I'm pretty sure we hated each other that day. The thing is, even if we were pissed at each other, we still tried to look out for each other as much as possible. I'll say that several times we both saved each others lives. I can't ever hate someone I loved like that, I just can't love them like that again.
I'm glad it all happened. I only write that part because it's her birthday and I realized that a year ago things started imploding. The stages of grief occurred and I was a wreck until I heard, from my old boss Beth, a great piece of advice, "when you're holding a grudge, the other person is out dancing." I learned to let it go and embrace joy. I hope for unending joy for everyone I know, because it would make the world a better place.
That's life, it's challenging and complex and there are no time outs. You never get to rest. You move forward, striking or dodging whatever comes at you, like a great boxer. The thing is, life is indifferent. You can be hurt or tired or lazy and you *must* move forward. Despite the world's indifference, you have to try harder, try better, try more. Be undeniable. You have to be undeniable because there will always be times when you want to give up. If you're dedicated, you can appreciate the bad things, learn from them, and be better the next time you try.
I appreciate the sad things because they make you grateful for the good things. This weekend, two friends left my immediate life. They were kidney friends* I'm not a big gusher, but it was sad. They're sweet people. One, I've known for years and have always thought the world of. Like a smart Norah Jones, but fewer moms swoon over her in their SUVs. Also, she gives great hugs and I love hugs.The other, snuck up on me only because I disregard significant others because they can become so fleeting. Then I realized, "oh, this guy's not an asshole. He's actually a kind person." I'll miss them, but I'm sure I'll get a good laugh, hearing stories, secondhand, about whiskers in the sink, and tampons in the sink, and nerdy Sci Fi shows taking up their DVR (in the sink).
I guess it's easy to say that, despite the past year, I'm at a place where I feel great. I feel like I can continue to re-discover myself. As my mom lamely said, "How Jules got his groove back!"
F. Scott Fitzgerald once said, "there are no second acts in American lives." I call bullshit on that. He was a bitter, drunk, loon who wound up a shut in and dying because he stopped trying. Why would you ever stop trying? This world was made great because some people never stopped trying. Cities were built, empires were made, the entire world is connected through pieces of fiber optics because people never stopped trying.
This isn't about how amazing life is or how I'm starting to sound like Tony Robbins now, but it feels good to say that I'm happier than I was by far. I was so... disheveled. I was flailing, but found myself. I'm still working on it. I think of Tim, in the UK "The Office," talking about his life and how he said, "you know, I rolled the dice and landed a 3. I could roll again and get a 6, but I could also get a 1." I'm rolling for a 6 because I want great things. Chapters draw a demarcation line for a period, not endings. There aren't endings until death and well, like Tim said again, "Life isn't about endings, It's about a series of moments" I've had great moments. I want more.
Someday we'll have a Jules-a-palooza at a cabin in the woods and there'll be sing-a-longs and hugs and laughing and throwing champagne flutes into fireplaces. God damn do I love hugs and throwing champagne flutes in fire places.
Be excellent.
*Kidney friends are those people who, if they needed a transplant, you'd get tested for it.
I'm glad it all happened. I only write that part because it's her birthday and I realized that a year ago things started imploding. The stages of grief occurred and I was a wreck until I heard, from my old boss Beth, a great piece of advice, "when you're holding a grudge, the other person is out dancing." I learned to let it go and embrace joy. I hope for unending joy for everyone I know, because it would make the world a better place.
That's life, it's challenging and complex and there are no time outs. You never get to rest. You move forward, striking or dodging whatever comes at you, like a great boxer. The thing is, life is indifferent. You can be hurt or tired or lazy and you *must* move forward. Despite the world's indifference, you have to try harder, try better, try more. Be undeniable. You have to be undeniable because there will always be times when you want to give up. If you're dedicated, you can appreciate the bad things, learn from them, and be better the next time you try.
I appreciate the sad things because they make you grateful for the good things. This weekend, two friends left my immediate life. They were kidney friends* I'm not a big gusher, but it was sad. They're sweet people. One, I've known for years and have always thought the world of. Like a smart Norah Jones, but fewer moms swoon over her in their SUVs. Also, she gives great hugs and I love hugs.The other, snuck up on me only because I disregard significant others because they can become so fleeting. Then I realized, "oh, this guy's not an asshole. He's actually a kind person." I'll miss them, but I'm sure I'll get a good laugh, hearing stories, secondhand, about whiskers in the sink, and tampons in the sink, and nerdy Sci Fi shows taking up their DVR (in the sink).
I guess it's easy to say that, despite the past year, I'm at a place where I feel great. I feel like I can continue to re-discover myself. As my mom lamely said, "How Jules got his groove back!"
F. Scott Fitzgerald once said, "there are no second acts in American lives." I call bullshit on that. He was a bitter, drunk, loon who wound up a shut in and dying because he stopped trying. Why would you ever stop trying? This world was made great because some people never stopped trying. Cities were built, empires were made, the entire world is connected through pieces of fiber optics because people never stopped trying.
This isn't about how amazing life is or how I'm starting to sound like Tony Robbins now, but it feels good to say that I'm happier than I was by far. I was so... disheveled. I was flailing, but found myself. I'm still working on it. I think of Tim, in the UK "The Office," talking about his life and how he said, "you know, I rolled the dice and landed a 3. I could roll again and get a 6, but I could also get a 1." I'm rolling for a 6 because I want great things. Chapters draw a demarcation line for a period, not endings. There aren't endings until death and well, like Tim said again, "Life isn't about endings, It's about a series of moments" I've had great moments. I want more.
Someday we'll have a Jules-a-palooza at a cabin in the woods and there'll be sing-a-longs and hugs and laughing and throwing champagne flutes into fireplaces. God damn do I love hugs and throwing champagne flutes in fire places.
Be excellent.
*Kidney friends are those people who, if they needed a transplant, you'd get tested for it.
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