“I live by the beat/ like you live check to check/ If you don't move yo' feet then I don't eat/ so we like neck and neck"

Part 1

A few weeks back, I joked about making a dating blog. I even wrote a few posts on past situations to get my writing in that area juiced up, but I didn't publish anything. I know why: I also don’t want to use someone else to glorify attempts at being witty and getting eyes on my words.

Rest assured that I’m not dead on the inside. I've told friends that you're not gonna get a hit in the dugout, you gotta get out there and start swinging. That's true and that's great, but I'm meeting a lot of people that are swell, but I'm not feeling them. They're all beautiful, but there's a thing I realized about myself: I'd like someone who's reminiscent of a cactus, someone who doesn't need a *ton* of a attention. There's too much hand holding (literally) and it's 2 dates in and all I can think is "do I fake this or do I keep moving forward with it?" They end with me doing the fade out/ fake a hangover/ being busy.

The Weird:

The weird side is late night, settling your tab and going back to some woman's place whose name you're not sure of (is it Andrea or Angie?). When you get back to their place and you're sitting on the edge of their bed, listening to Jane's Addiction and smoking a joint. You're eventually unrolling a condom, and there's a corner of the room where you're wondering why it's unpainted and there's a water pipe with their clothes hanging on it and you see their dog in a cage in the corner and you think, "This ought to be fun. Where should I go to brunch tomorrow? I really want eggs Benedict. Man, I hope she doesn't ask me to walk that dog with her at 5 AM. Holy shit, that's a great ass!"

The Bad:

I’d rather do things that are really meaningful. I mean, I know some people find a lot of fun in casual sex, and that’s cool. But I’m not gonna hang at a bar until 2 AM, waiting for the lonely girl who’s a little too drunk and a little too sad to be ready to be scooped up. There’s something very desperate and lecherous in that.

If you regularly read this blog you’ll know how the last relationship ended. There was another situation, well, I’ll tell you that when you’re not eating. It's funny, but fucking disgusting. Thankfully, everything bad has finally been cleared out. One made an attempt to get in touch with me, but I shut that down tout-suite.

The Good:

I had a conversation with a good friend, who I rarely get to see, and he told me to “go out there and do a lot of bangin’.”

“Why? No, I mean really *why*?”

“Why not? Because you know you can.”

“OK, let’s say I do this: how?”

“Just pretend that you’re more interested than you are.”

“See, I don’t like that, because I show my boredom really easily and it’s disingenuous. I’d rather not”

Part 2

That’s just it: I look forward to genuine moments. I guess what matters most is that I'm in a pretty good head-space. About a month ago I had a weird administrative snafu with my classes and had to duck out from work a little early to deal with it. It didn't work out that day because everything shut down early and I had to leave the next morning for my grandmother’s funeral. The assistant dean asked me,

“Does  this really matter to you?”

“Yes, it *really* does”

“If you want it bad enough, you’ll make it happen”

I've been making it happen: reading (for pleasure, work, and school) a ton, working a ton, reviewing YouTube videos for class, and working out in the mornings. I can do everything. My plans are working. The things that*really* matter, the things I really care about, the things I've been working on for some time now are working out. The things that I’m indifferent to are there for me to work on later when they really matter.

Part 3

After my grandmother's funeral, I left my aunt Sharon's house at 11:30 and went to my mother's house to sleep. She bought me a little bottle of bourbon and I had a few drinks to settle my nerves. We talked for hours and and intermittently watched Boogie Nights. It helped. I boiled it down to:

• Got laid off from a job I loved after escaping 3 rounds of layoffs
• Had a bad break up, then we stayed in the same place for a month and a half once giving notice
• Tried moving to a new place, but that got cancelled
• Found a new job that was horrible
• Found a new place that was OK
• Broke it off with a long-running casual situation
• Left the horrible job
• Dealt with finding all new roommates, one of whom was a secret asshole
• Lost my grandmother
• Found a new job that seems good
• Found a new roommate to replace the secret asshole

I've never been a shrinking violet, but the past year has been like a shark attack. During that time, I froze myself in an ice cube tray and waited. Thankfully, I thawed myself out. I've dealt with my problems and nothing can really faze me right now, which feels great. At work, I think, "OK, how do I make this sale?!" In class I think, "OK, give us more reading!" I take punches and move forward, mentally, better than I have in years. My house of cards was knocked over, but now I get to rebuild it from a better point of view. If you're reading this, you probably helped in some way. Thanks for the help